Confession

For you, no more waiting for heaven,
And no more praying for peace:
Your fight is over, your work is done,
You have found your eternal release.

I wasn’t ready for you to leave—
But I never would have been,
So I remain here, without you,
In this miserable in-between.

My heart is broken, my words are gone,
I have cried a million tears,
And the hurt cascades inside me
Each time I realise you’re not here.

We made a lifetime of memories,
Full of family, friendship and song,
And I know it was just a rehearsal
For where you are now, all along.

But this feels nothing like heaven:
I so miss your warmth and your smile,
The music you brought to every day,
The way you made each day worthwhile.

I will always love you and miss you,
And life will never be the same,
I will cherish your memory forever
And always smile when I speak your name.

“I’m full of good ideas,” I told him,
“Full of something,” he promptly said,
And he was right: there’s always more
Than just bright ideas in my head.

Vivid memories stream on a cinema screen,
To a soundtrack of favourite songs,
A maple tree full of autumn leaves
So my heart can visit where it belongs.
There’s a flowing river of storylines
And a deep well of imagery,
A box full of timely lessons, hard learned,
And useful facts from world history.
The walls are lined with shelves of books
And pictures of beloved faces,
There’s a graveyard to visit with those who have passed
And doorways to favourite places.

And right at the back, where no-one can see,
In the darkest part of my brain,
There’s a very deep hole where I throw away
Things I don’t want to think of again.

Before you read this poem, there is something I would like you to know.

This poem is absolutely, 100% true. It is personal, it is painfully honest, and it tells of my own experience, not anyone else’s. And you may find it quite confronting.

Despite its darkness, it is written to be positive, not negative.

It was not written to win sympathy or make anyone feel guilt: it was written so that people might understand what’s in my head, and what I’ve been feeling, and why I’ve made the choices I have.

To answer your concerns: I have chosen to stay here and to defy all impulses that tempt me otherwise. I don’t always feel okay, I’m not always okay, but I will be okay.

For anyone in a similar position: hold on. Stay here. You matter more than you know.

STILL HERE.

For a moment-
One fleeting, isolated point in time-
Or maybe two,
I thought about it.

I had the means.
God knows, I had motive.
But I couldn’t do it to you.

I know you would have understood.
But I know, too, how you would have mourned.
The grief.
The anger.
The questions.
I would have destroyed much more than myself.

So I resisted,
Summoning strength I didn’t have,
Holding on desperately
To everything that matters-
To everything I know that I love-
Even when I couldn’t feel it anymore.

I am thankful to still be here,
Despite my fragile state of mind,
For I know too well what it is like
To be one of the left behind.

This poem and fifty others are published in a collection: titled ‘The Passing Of The Night’

Category: Confession

Farewell, My Friend.

Full.

Still Here.

STILL HERE.